Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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