Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
did i walk over a car last night?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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