would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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