My liver just broke up with me...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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