tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Randomize
