On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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