Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
