I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
