looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
