So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
