my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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