On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
