I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
