I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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