"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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