I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
