i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Ladies don't puke and tell
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
