obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
