u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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