SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
