just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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