I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
no, he came in my armpit
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize