I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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