Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
