Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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