Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
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