And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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