How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
