At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
