I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
