If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
