Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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