I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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