The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
