I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
We're too hungover to prance.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
