Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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