i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
