I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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