Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
