I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
