First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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