Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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