Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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