i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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