You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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