I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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