I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
