...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
