was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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