does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
