Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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