Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I faked an abortion last night.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
