the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
So gin and wine won't be happening again
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
