Just mADE A PArabola og urine
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Never joke about your clitoris.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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