I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
