What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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