I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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