Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
